


The Gray

by haylz4000



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6996877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haylz4000/pseuds/haylz4000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soonyoung's mind was a list of never ending contradictions, should he or shouldn't he? Could he or could he not? Did they care of did they not care one bit? Everything had become a push and pull, nothing was certain anymore, the only thing that stayed consistent was the gray blanket that had wrapped itself around his exhausted mind and had taken away his smile. He loved it, he hated it, he wanted to be saved and yet was scared to lose the embrace the gray ache enclosed him in. Maybe he needed a harsh awaking, someone to shake him from the hole he had found himself in, maybe in the form of a snappish cotton candy haired man?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Is This The Answer?

He hadn’t always been like this, he was a shell of the man he once was. It wasn’t so long ago, not even a year ago, that he was bright and cheerful. He used to smile so much, mess around and laugh almost annoyingly loud, but all of these things seemed like a distant past despite not being so far behind him at all. That version of him, the old him, it all felt alien to him now and all Sooyoung knew anymore was the empty and yet heavy void in his chest. There was nothing, no feeling, and yet it was the heaviest nothing he had ever felt. It made it hard to breathe, hard to sleep, hard to function, it made it hard to _live_. It had come on slowly during his first year of university, as the stress of it grew and the pressure of the real world dawned upon him. His previously cheerful thoughts, cushioned by the safety of high school, slowly began to dissipate one by one until he was left wondering why he was even bothering at all. Gradually, life began to make less and less sense, it had started with the odd thought he would shake off in confusion, then it became a growing issue he hid with his normal bright smile, but eventually it had consumed him completely and even something as small as smiling became hard to do...something that used to come so naturally to him suddenly felt so foreign.

Foreign, that was how he felt now, he felt foreign to himself and like he didn’t belong in even his own skin. He felt out of place, wrong, he felt so large and unavoidable and yet so unbelievably small. Every action he made became noticeable, annoying, stupid...at least to him, and yet he was convinced that no one noticed him at all. His thoughts were a mess, his whole mind contradicting itself, and it was becoming harder and harder to take. He was at war with himself, his mind, his heart, all of it, he was at war with who he was and what he had become and it was a war there was no way he could win. He would win and yet he would lose, he was fighting a war there was no good outcome of or at least that was what he had convinced himself. He wanted to shake all of this, he wanted to be better, he wanted to laugh and smile just like he had done in his first year of university, and yet all of these new and horrible feelings blanketed him in a gray and dark warmth he found himself scared of escaping. It was another contradiction, another oxymoron, there wasn’t a single thing in his mind that made sense anymore.

He felt safe and yet afraid, he wanted to escape and scream out for help and yet the gray blanket he had found himself under just became tighter and tighter over time. He had pulled himself out of his friendship circles bit by bit, gradually and slowly as his thoughts convinced him more and more that they didn’t care...they wouldn’t ever care, that he was just a joke to them and someone to laugh at. He pulled himself away from them while being completely ignorant to the worried glances they all shared with one another, he closed himself away and ignored each time his phone would buzz or illuminate with a phone call or text, he wouldn’t answer the door of his dorm room when someone would tap their knuckles upon it and call through to try and invite him out to drink and party like he used to do. None of them cared, not really, how could any of them care? He was obnoxious, he was loud, he was annoying, he was all of those things and more so how could anyone truly care? He had convinced himself of that, closed himself off from those who cared so much, and yet it hurt to feel so alone.

It all built up, gradually it all became worse and worse, until battle scars started to litter his skin and the red puffiness around his eyes that only tears could bring became a permanent fixture on his pale face. He had turned against himself, more and more so with each passing day, the cold war with his mind had suddenly become hot, violent, painful, and yet he slowly had started to crave that pain. The pain joined him under the gray blanket that had consumed him, it became one of the only feelings that lightened the weight in his chest. Pain...it hurt, it hurt so much, and yet it made it so much easier to breathe. The rush of air through his lungs kept him sane, or at least that was what he thought even if how he gained it was probably so very far from sane, the sharp pain and warmth of his blood distracted him from the numb ache that had grown and grown in a way nothing else had managed.

It had helped, the marks growing on his skin ignored and disregarded under hoodie sleeves, but as with any sense of release it wouldn’t last forever and this didn’t either. Soon it wasn’t enough, no amount of self inflicted wounds could ease the ache, everything stopped working and it became too much...it was too much, he couldn’t take it anymore. Sooyoung couldn’t take it, not for one moment longer, and it was with that he made his way out into the night with intentions the old version of him couldn’t even begin to imagine. He wanted relief, he wanted it all to end, he wanted his mind to leave him alone and the heavy grip on his heart to let go, he didn’t want to struggle to breathe anymore...it was so hard to breathe.

That was how he found himself standing on a bridge in the middle of the night, in the dark and looking down over the gentle waters of the Han River as his fingers curled against the worn metal of the railings that held him back from plummeting down into the waters that became more and more beautifully tempting the more time passed. He could do it so easily, swing a leg over the railings and just let himself fall, but even now something was holding him back. There was always something, his mind wanted one thing and yet another at the same time, the constant turmoil and uncertainty was part of what lead him to the bridge at all and yet was what was holding him back from doing what his heavy heart cried out to do.

The water would probably be cold, painfully cold, that was one of the many things that came to mind. There would be pain to free his chest of the weight that held it down and to let air rush into his lungs except that it wouldn’t be air...it would be water. Cold water, freezing cold water, it would sting his skin, be let inside, sting his lungs, it would sting, sting, hurt, hurt, it would turn the gray blanket that held onto him into an eternal black as the water took his last breath from him. Darkness would win, the black would overtake the gray, but maybe that would be the gray winning over all...gray was just a lighter version of black after all, black that hadn’t quite sunk in, black that was waiting to creep in and take over entirely, was that what he wanted?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

No…

_He didn’t know._

He had been so certain, he had grabbed any clothes he could find on the floor of his messy university dorm before running. He had ran from his dorm room, barreled past his old friend Seokmin who had called after him only to be ignored, he had run off of the campus, through the streets, past drunken students and businessmen alike, he had ran and ran and ran and didn’t let up until he had found himself looking at the waters below which called to him so temptingly and yet, no, he didn’t know...not anymore.

He didn’t know anything, he never knew anything, nothing made sense no matter how hard he tried to cling onto any sort of answer. He thought that this was the answer, a part of him still thought that this was the answer, and yet maybe it wasn’t...what was the answer? He wanted to know, please, what was the answer?


	2. Chapter Two: Cotton Candy Hair

There was no knowing how long he had been standing there, just staring down at the waters with unfocused eyes. His mind told him that it had been fifteen minutes, maybe twenty, but the way his body was trembling in the cold wind suggested that it had been longer. He wasn’t dressed for the weather, for the cold wind that would have whipped his blond hair up into a frenzy if it wasn’t for the cap pulled onto his head. He was in basketball shorts, a random hoodie but with no tee shirt underneath, he was dressed for spring when the night felt more like winter and his body was hating every moment of it.

His back was tense, aching from the cold, his body stiff and doing all that it could to stay warm as his breaths created small pockets of mist in the air, and yet he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Why did it matter anyway? It didn’t matter...if he just followed through and climbed over the railing like he kept on telling himself that he would then the cold wouldn’t matter anymore, he wouldn’t be able to feel it anymore, he wouldn’t be able to feel _anything_. There would be nothing, sweet nothing, blissful nothing, all he had to do was just push himself over and let himself fall, the end of it all was within his grasp. He just had reach out and he could grab it so easily, the waters were waiting to consume him and everything he was, and yet his feet stayed glued to the hard concrete beneath him and suspended so high over the running waters below.

He was so deep in his own thoughts, his thoughts of should he or shouldn’t he, that he didn’t hear the sound of footsteps approaching. He had no idea that there was someone standing just behind him, watching him, eyes glued to him as he contemplated whether or not his life would end that night, but it didn’t take long for the unnoticed man to make his presence known. The stranger was curious, worried, watching Soonyoung to see what he would do next. It was obvious what the blond was there for, anyone could see that, and yet he was just standing there rather than getting it done and ending it quickly. The hesitation told them that maybe the blond didn't want this, not really, maybe he was confused, and it was that which made the stranger speak up.

“You’re hesitating” the sudden voice made Soonyoung jump, his whole body flinching and then quickly becoming rigid as his grip on the metal railings in front of him tightened and made his knuckles turn a ghostly white. He turned his head, snapping it around towards the voice, to find a man standing there. He was small, smaller than Soonyoung himself at least, with powder pink hair which completely contradicted the furrowed brows and frown pulling at his round face. His hair was ruffled by the wind, flying around his head in a way that made it look like cotton candy being twirled onto a stick, and it only served to widen the contradiction between his harsh expression and soft hair. “You’re hesitating” the stranger repeated, the way his eyes rolled being more obvious in his voice than from what could be seen behind his flying hair “If you’re going to do it then just do it, _jump_ ”

Sooyoung’s grip just tightened further, his blond hair hidden mostly under a ratty baseball cap so no amount of wind could make his hair obscure his confused expression. He looked at the stranger, the cotton candy haired man, with a small growing frown of his own and his fingers pressed further into the metal in front of him as if he would merge with the hard material if he tried hard enough. That was what he was there for, to jump, that was what he was going to do before he was interrupted by a harsh voice and pink hair. He had been about to lift himself up and over, he had been about to throw himself into the waters below, that was what he told himself but that was also what he had been thinking ever since he stepped out onto the bridge and he still hadn’t done it yet. He kept on thinking it, so sure of himself, and yet he wasn’t sure at all. It would better if he just did it, better for everyone and he was so certain of that, and yet fear still gripped tightly in the deepest parts of his heavy heart.

“You’re not going to are you?” the man continued to speak, despite the lack of reply, and Soonyoung just continued to stare. His eyes were heavy, heavy from lack of sleep and blurry with growing tears. How long had he been standing there, looking out over the waters and the night sky? He had been so certain when he had left his home and yet now he was stood there being berated by a stranger. The stranger was teasing him, _taunting him_ , it seemed like he wanted Soonyoung to just do it and dive over the edge into the dark waters, but despite his harsh words the cotton candy man took a step towards his with small hands stuffed into the pockets of ripped jeans “Well, I’m not going to push you” he glanced over, brows now pulled out of their furrowed position and instead raised up, and Soonyoung couldn’t help but wonder if maybe this stranger wanted to do just that, just give him a shove and watch him fall. Maybe he would be thankful for that small push though, maybe it would finally get him to do what he had planned all along. He wanted this, he wanted everything to end even despite his hesitation now, he wanted it all to be over, and yet now he was there and ready to do it something was stopping him. The feelings were still there, the want and the need to just end the heavy ache in his chest, but something was pulling him back almost as if there was a rope tied around his waist “So come on, come with me instead”

The man cocked his head back, silently gesturing for Soonyoung to follow, and his pink hair flicked back to settle around his face he best it could in the roaring wind. He took one step back, and then another, before turning to walk away but not without glancing over his shoulder to see if Soonyoung was coming. Soonyoung just stared, he made no effort to move, he felt as if he could just crumble to the ground and cry. He couldn’t even kill himself. He couldn’t do anything, whatever he tried always turned out wrong, even something like _this_. He had known deep down that he wouldn’t be able to do it, the first twenty minutes (he was still guessing twenty minutes) of just watching the waters below told him that, but he had stood there stubbornly, trying to find the courage, only to ultimately fail. He had messed it all up, even before the nameless man with cotton candy hair arrived to berate him and make him feel even worse for standing there in the middle of the night and undoubtedly looking like a pathetic fool.

He didn’t follow, not at first, instead the stranger’s eyes met his own before he could hear the other man tutting, see him shaking his head, and watched him as he came back over. The stranger took hold of his arm, small fingers wrapping around a skinny wrist, before they tugged him along and almost made his stumble with the strength they used to tug him away from the bridge’s edge. For someone so small they held more strength than Soonyoung expected, he had assumed that the pink haired man would be nothing but harsh words but with nothing to back it up with, but it seemed like he was wrong.

“Get away from the goddamn railing” the man could be heard muttering, pulling Soonyoung down the street and away from the bridge completely. Soonyoung tried to pull his wrist out of the man’s grasp but they just held on tighter and pressed their fingers into the cold skin of Soonyoung’s wrist “We’re getting coffee”


End file.
